I found this old journal I had been keeping from when my mind was weak and rotted. Reading over it, I realize how dimwitted I must have sounded to my family.

Pipiltin has faith, that no matter what choice I make about this potion, and the future of my mind, that I will always be a part of the family. I worry though, that reverting my brain back may make me even stupider.
Even worse, I fear the potion has actually been repairing my brain cells to the point that 'reverting' means purposely bringing harm to myself. Which could very well lead to a coma, or even possibly, death.

I have lived a long life, of this I'm certain - but I am missing too many parts of it. I know I have no mate, but I  know now that I do have a daughter. I fear I don't know her name, or what she is doing. She should be around twenty or so by now. How I wish I knew where she was.

Brother Quanah danced with me tonight, and it was a strange sensation. I felt my tensions loosen, even though my thighs felt oddly shaky from the motions. I had such a wonderful time, by the rain made everything difficult, leading to me falling and hurting myself. Splitting my pants was the worst part. I didn't want to offend Westel's eyes at his wedding, so I kindly excused myself. I know he dislikes my naked form. I think it may bring him a feeling of shame. I don't feel he likes me at all.

I spoke with Quanah about perhaps dancing again. The extra physical exercise is wonderful for taking my mind off of everything. He said he would be my dance partner if I wished to dance again. It feels strange, but I am looking forward to it. I feel comfortable taking his paws and letting go of everything. I feel young, and invincible. It's much like fighting, but no one gets injured (except in the case of slippery marble under hooves).

Caelyssa's words still bother me, somehow. A mate. How could I possibly have a mate, if I were to be considering changing back to my old self? I could never provide the intellectual stimulation for holding on conversations. I doubt I would even understand anything about the process or responsibilities mates have to one another. Quanah suggested perhaps Caelyssa meant that she wished to be my mate. But I know her too well, and I know that is not the case.
Even if it were, I could never accept. She is not meant for me, and I am certainly not meant for her. She is my best friend, and that should never change.