I found this old journal I had been keeping from when my mind was weak and rotted. Reading over it, I realize how dimwitted I must have sounded to my family.

Pipiltin has faith, that no matter what choice I make about this potion, and the future of my mind, that I will always be a part of the family. I worry though, that reverting my brain back may make me even stupider.
Even worse, I fear the potion has actually been repairing my brain cells to the point that 'reverting' means purposely bringing harm to myself. Which could very well lead to a coma, or even possibly, death.

I have lived a long life, of this I'm certain - but I am missing too many parts of it. I know I have no mate, but I  know now that I do have a daughter. I fear I don't know her name, or what she is doing. She should be around twenty or so by now. How I wish I knew where she was.

Brother Quanah danced with me tonight, and it was a strange sensation. I felt my tensions loosen, even though my thighs felt oddly shaky from the motions. I had such a wonderful time, by the rain made everything difficult, leading to me falling and hurting myself. Splitting my pants was the worst part. I didn't want to offend Westel's eyes at his wedding, so I kindly excused myself. I know he dislikes my naked form. I think it may bring him a feeling of shame. I don't feel he likes me at all.

I spoke with Quanah about perhaps dancing again. The extra physical exercise is wonderful for taking my mind off of everything. He said he would be my dance partner if I wished to dance again. It feels strange, but I am looking forward to it. I feel comfortable taking his paws and letting go of everything. I feel young, and invincible. It's much like fighting, but no one gets injured (except in the case of slippery marble under hooves).

Caelyssa's words still bother me, somehow. A mate. How could I possibly have a mate, if I were to be considering changing back to my old self? I could never provide the intellectual stimulation for holding on conversations. I doubt I would even understand anything about the process or responsibilities mates have to one another. Quanah suggested perhaps Caelyssa meant that she wished to be my mate. But I know her too well, and I know that is not the case.
Even if it were, I could never accept. She is not meant for me, and I am certainly not meant for her. She is my best friend, and that should never change.

Ok Journal

Journal, I'm trying mixing some potions together for smartness! I don't wanna make Kruega sick so I'm gonna use the ones I know work already. Okay, so focus! Smarts! No fish oils. Dragon brain potions.
Okay, so there's one potion. But I'm mixing the smarts with some focus first.
Now I'm gonna write what it feels.

Focus and smarts. Nope, didn't do anything. My eyes aren't very good right now, everything keeps making lines. Okay, no mixing, it doesn't work. No smarts from it.
I want to make the potion make me smart forever! I have to use the fishy oils I think. Make the effect last!

Okay, journal. I'll try some more when my head stops being so crazy!

Potions

Hi, journal!

I made some more potions. Kruega said he tried my others, I don't remember. He said they made him feel funny. But he tried my potion of smarts. He was SO smart!
I'm going to make this potion last long times. But not for him, he said it was like closing doors.

Doop!

I'm a hero! Even Lina said it, journal!
I do so many good things. Hey, I also did the thing that Pip wanted, with the sombreros!
I got Kruega to try out some potions! I think they were good! I made one that makes you look like someone else. It's funny tasting.

Fishies!

Journal! I caught so many fish today. I even made the oil into little things for Doxian! I don't know if he's happy, but I hope he is!

I sent all the fishies to Quanah. I took their guts out! Now things can be okay, because I can't cook them. I like eating them raw.

Fighting for Journal

Journal! I am doing fighting all of the time! I think I'm strong enough to take everyone in a fight with my bear paws!

I want to be the hero who will save my friends, because I love them. Even when they're not very nice with their words.
I'm helping them tonight. I'm going to be a hero!

MASTER!

Journal! So, the Troll in the tribe who has a name like Makalakalaka or something did a poking stick on bird tournament!
I got on the biggest, prettiest bird, and had a really big stick. And we ran around and poked each other off of the birds and raptors and horses! It was great!
And I won! Five hundred gold! I bought a book for potions. I'm learning, because Uncle Jindal hasn't been around to teach me.

I'm learning all sorts of potions. I'm so happy. I think I'm finally good at something and I can help everyone!